Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Break-ups and bubbles

For my adult life, there was 'we'. And now there is I. And it is good.

I think that.. No, I _know_ that our break up came as a shock to a lot of people. Not least my husband himself.

But after the Madagascar incident 4 years ago, I promised myself it was the last time I would go through another disaster.

We moved on and decided to try following a new tack, a new (old) lifestyle, but this time wholesale. And this time I was going to pursue my own interests as well. It was going to be about what I wanted, not just his subsuming my own.

That took unexpected shape when I met someone, we began to see each other and he started becoming important to me as well.

I really thought the new approach might work, might give my husband what he wanted/needed, and 'though opening our marriage for the first time on my side added turbulence, I wanted to have that too. I felt I was owed it. And I was hopeful. We had got through so much already. We kept going and things looked possible and positive.

Then I got a text message of disaster - and all I could reply was "ok".

And the promise I made myself came back to mind.

 I waited, expecting the old feeling of 'we can get through this' but all there was was 'I don't want this for the rest of my life. I am tired of going round in circles'.

And this time I didn't break faith with myself.

I was afraid that ending the marriage would also mean an ending to my relationship with my paramour: that I presented a very different prospect as a newly single woman than as a safely married one.

But I was prepared to lose both in order to be free. I didn't want to. It held me back for some time and then I realised it had to be risked. So I told my paramour & metamour together what I had decided, and thank fuck, they were prepared to see me through. Which made things easier and happier.

Ending the marriage was like a light coming on, a weight lifted.

Being free is a rush.
It's the sunshine.
It's peace.
It has been the best thing I've ever done. The last six months without him have been just .. better.

The new year has begun and 'though there are many challenges, with family ill-health and uncertainty at work, but I feel ... bubbles of joy.

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