Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Angry with you

I am angry with you, because you kept us poor, constantly on the edge, poorer than we needed to be, with your gambling and drinking.
I am angry with you, because you boosted your self esteem, by shredding mine.
I am angry with you for making sex something we could fail at.
I am angry with you for all the lies you breathed.
I am angry with you for always taking the easy path, for letting us down.
I am angry with you for never keeping faith with me, for paying lip-service to what I needed but never seeing it through.

We do amicable well. But if you want to know why I am not your friend, I have only just learnt to be angry to express my anger with you.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

3 days

 Jan 26
 Jan 23

Jan 20

The why oh whys

I don't understand why some functions exist in machines and gadgets. Why is there the capacity to flip your screen upside-down when the cat stands on the keyboard?  I mean,  who actually needs that?

Also, in the car, why accidental knock of button = internal lights stay on (again). A button that really has no business being connected to those lights. Surely buttons relevant to those lights should be the ones visibly attached to them?

Saturday, January 23, 2016


I call this victory

The other day, the internal lights of my car were staying on for no apparent reason. I didn't know why, and was quite worried that it would end up with me unable to start the car the next day cos it drained the battery. And so, I investigated and figured out how to get into the internal light, and decided, if I couldn't make it stop lighting by pressing buttons, I'd remove the bulb. It was quite stiff, but I did eventually get it out without breaking it. Shortly afterwards I figured out which button on the dashboard had been accidentally pushed, so all the bulb wrangling was no longer necessary. But it's a victory. Ok, I didn't spot the problem straight off, but I did figure out a workaround. And also learnt how to change the bulbs in the internal lights. I learned a thing!

It's minor, but it's the sort of thing I would have previously left in M's lap to deal with, in stereotypical gender division of roles. So it makes me happy to solve it myself. The small victories.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


Technology gives new meaning to "living in each other's pockets". 
Or anyway, you live in mine. 
I like you there. 

I cling on your belt. 
Which sounds more precarious.
 But isn't. 
I guess a tiny me-koala with its claws digging in the leather. 
Which seems apt. 

At least the claws. 

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Jan 17

Cheshire cat?

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Jan 16

Friday, January 15, 2016

Big bang

Just watched an episode of Big Bang Theory that makes me really pissed off. These supposedly 'victim' guys and their relationships.

Penny & Leonard go off to get married and he confesses kissing another woman.

Howard using Bernadette as the "hammer".

Amy finally loses patience with Sheldon just as he is about to offer her a ring?

So it's a woman's lot to put up with anything,  for the sake of a relationship,  even with the most unprepossessing guy? The guys in the series are supposed to be endearingly inept, but newsflash, no-one is that loveable they get to treat people like that.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Jan 14. Alan Rickman's rainbow

I was driving when I saw this one, and it has faded a bit by the time I could take the picture.  Still. Rainbow for the departed.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Break-ups and bubbles

For my adult life, there was 'we'. And now there is I. And it is good.

I think that.. No, I _know_ that our break up came as a shock to a lot of people. Not least my husband himself.

But after the Madagascar incident 4 years ago, I promised myself it was the last time I would go through another disaster.

We moved on and decided to try following a new tack, a new (old) lifestyle, but this time wholesale. And this time I was going to pursue my own interests as well. It was going to be about what I wanted, not just his subsuming my own.

That took unexpected shape when I met someone, we began to see each other and he started becoming important to me as well.

I really thought the new approach might work, might give my husband what he wanted/needed, and 'though opening our marriage for the first time on my side added turbulence, I wanted to have that too. I felt I was owed it. And I was hopeful. We had got through so much already. We kept going and things looked possible and positive.

Then I got a text message of disaster - and all I could reply was "ok".

And the promise I made myself came back to mind.

 I waited, expecting the old feeling of 'we can get through this' but all there was was 'I don't want this for the rest of my life. I am tired of going round in circles'.

And this time I didn't break faith with myself.

I was afraid that ending the marriage would also mean an ending to my relationship with my paramour: that I presented a very different prospect as a newly single woman than as a safely married one.

But I was prepared to lose both in order to be free. I didn't want to. It held me back for some time and then I realised it had to be risked. So I told my paramour & metamour together what I had decided, and thank fuck, they were prepared to see me through. Which made things easier and happier.

Ending the marriage was like a light coming on, a weight lifted.

Being free is a rush.
It's the sunshine.
It's peace.
It has been the best thing I've ever done. The last six months without him have been just .. better.

The new year has begun and 'though there are many challenges, with family ill-health and uncertainty at work, but I feel ... bubbles of joy.

Blogging and delusion

Well y'know, the photo a day thing hasn't gone so well already - but meh. It's something I will continue with, even though the goal is failed already.

But then if I can't fail self-imposed goals without guilt, what can I fail? It's funny: I was actually tempted to pretend I took some photos and put them up, but who do I think I'm fooling? I write this blog for myself, when I write it - and I guess up until I forget what I did, which I might never, I'd know I was cheating. Weird that it would even cross my mind.

On the subject of writing this blog - it's 10 years old. That's amazing. Posting has been light at times, and tends to be heavier at the beginning of years.... hmmm, I wonder why that could be?!

On the subject of writing other blogs, today I looked back at one I wrote for a few months in 2012. It's interesting to me, because I have been thinking about why I ended my marriage and writing a post about it - and this blog was one I wrote when we were going through another major upheaval. It's good to see I'm not fooling myself in rewriting history to make him out to be bad or something - things were truly bad at times. I'm far from perfect, but yeah, I think more sinned against than sinning.

But I would think that.

It's also curious to see how conventional my set of relationship tools is/was. My mind has been opened to the notions of polyamory and things like this since. Scoff if you will. It went so well in my marriage... But I am currently in a rather happy situation in a V type arrangement. But y'know, check back with me in a while and see if it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

For now, however, I am mostly happy and it's always good to stop and appreciate when you are.

Jan 12

Thursday, January 07, 2016

At dusk

Driving home, we saw a barn owl. How cool! How very beautiful.

I love where we live.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Jan 6

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Jan 5


Jan 4

Sunday, January 03, 2016

Jan 3

Jan 2


New year's day

Saturday, January 02, 2016

Happy new year

What am I going to do this year?

I want to write, to take a picture everyday, to read, to save up for going away.

I want to gradually improve our house and make sure I make the most of the time with the children.

I want I want.

I aspire.